Monday, October 27, 2014

YOU PICK

Tonight you'll get an opportunity to work on any part of your personal narrative. All narratives must be done by Friday.


  • Write down 1-2 writing goals before you actually compose
  • Copy and paste old draft
  • Compose new draft
  • Blogger community should see the old and new draft + writing goals
Off you write

18 comments:

  1. 1.To include more thought
    2. To describe my setting more
    old draft
    As I lay falling asleep I thought about the amazing day that I had especially the turtles which couldn't get out of my head. Amazingly when I fell asleep I had a lot of dreams about the turtles the most vivd off which was were I was a turtle. It was really scary because unlike the turtles we helped today we had no help.

    new draft
    As I lay falling asleep I pondered the amazing day that I had especially the turtles, which couldn't get out of my head. Amazingly when I fell asleep I had a lot of dreams about the turtles the most vivid off which was when I was a turtle on a dark desolate night. It was really scary because unlike the turtles we helped today we had no help and there were many predators that we could do nothing about.

    ReplyDelete
  2. 1. To include more thought into my characters
    2. Describe more of my characters clothing

    Old Ending:
    Well that was the end of us exciting experience. I was kind if happy we went up there because we just found out we were moving so, this might have been the last time we go to Niseko, Japan. We finish the rest of the mountain and we went to meet mummy in the lunch ski chalet. The minute I walk in I could smell all the amazing good looking food. Then we all sat down and told her about our about amazing adventures while we had a delicious lunch!

    New Ending:
    Well that was the end of us exciting experience. I was kind if happy we went up there, because we just found out we were moving so, this might have been the last time we go to Niseko, Japan. I was really happy that I got though this daring challenge, yet some part of me felt really hollow, like the inside of me was a tree. We finish the rest of the mountain. We went to meet mummy in the lunch ski chalet next to the resort.. The minute I walk in I could smell all the amazing, good looking food. “I will so miss this place” I whispered over and over again. Then we all sat down and told mummy about our about amazing adventure, while I tried to suck up my sad tears. “you know what, even though that was a terrifying experience. I will always remember it as a good memory” Trying to wipe my tears away.
    But I drowned my sorrows by me stuffing my face with a delicious lunch!



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love how much more details, and interest for the readers in the story. I also love the ending!!

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    2. The ending in your new draft is funny! :D

      Delete
    3. That was such a big difference!

      Delete
  3. 1. Making my story interesting
    2. Adding more details when there are emotions.

    Old Draft:

    When I got to my desk, I saw I didn’t have a boy sitting next to me, but across from me. I was so mad, and I did not think this would happen. Mrs. Grech said “welcome to our classroom, I know that we are going to have a wonderful year”. “Yes, and I hope you can follow the rules on the wall” Ms. Clark said. “Also, this is something new were doing at Ormandle with having 2 teachers, so set a good example” Mrs. Grech said. They both were very serious, and I was already feeling the pressure.


    New Draft:

    When I got to my desk, I saw I didn't have a boy sitting next to me, but across me. I was so mad, my eyes we're popping out of my face. Mrs. Grech welcomed us by saying "welcome to our classroom, and I know were going to have an absolutely wonderful year!!. "Yes, and I hope all of us can follow the rules on the wall" Ms. Clark added. I was already intimidated, and nervous. "This is something new we're doing this year, so I hope we can set a good example" Mrs. Grech said with a serious voice. Everyone in the room were like brick walls, and faces blank.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love all the powerful word choice in you story!
      Can't wait to read the rest of it!

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    2. I want to read the rest of your story even if I read a bit of the beginning!

      Delete
  4. 1. Detail
    2. Action

    old draft
    I was at third and when the pitcher threw the pitch I took a big lead. And when the catcher threw it to third I ran home and I slide and I was safe
    New Draft
    I was at third and when the pitcher threw the pitch I took a big lead and I got bigger then bigger and I knew that the catcher would throw it back so as soon as he went in motion I ran home as fast as I could and my dad was yelling "slide slide" so I slide and the Umpire yelled "SAFE".

    ReplyDelete
  5. 1. Dialogue when there is action + begining
    2. Slowing down my story

    Old Draft:
    I jumped out of the car with a thud, not bothering to pay attention that some of my things were in the car. I started thinking while I ran, of what I will do at the store. I already saw the outside before but never the inside. Maybe it will have large escalators like in LA. What about a restaurant with tables on balconies. That wouldn’t be possible because the balconies are tiny. Maybe there will be rooms with things for the historical dolls.
    I wondered as I slipped off my backpack with another great thud onto my desk sliding off the side. It ricocheted off the curved back of my white, shiney desk. I picked up the iPad and started to watch a Youtube video. No homework on a Friday!
    What is going on that means so much to me? Well, there is always an explanation. My cousin was coming over to my house. She hasn’t been here since last year because she lives just in Sacramento, about two hours away. We got a special reservation to go to the American Girl store! I only have been once but that was in LA after Christmas.
    I walked, very fast, almost sprinting to the kitchen so I could find a snack. My mom was making fries and chicken nuggets for us to eat so I couldn’t eat them. I just pulled something at random from the cabinet but it turns out the food I found was expired. My mom told me not to spoil my appetite for when Alina comes. I just walked back to my room, ridiculously starving.
    New Draft:
    I swung out the front door and immediately remembered about the news. A while ago before I was born, my cousin had heart surgery. I remember when my grandma was telling me this in my room, that she was transferred to millions of hospitals all in an ambulance with her dad following behind her in the car. Alina’s mom had to stay at the hospital because Alina just came out and had to get surgery right away.
    Right then I felt awful because of the trauma that was going on for her. Just when I was in second grade my sister had cancer so I am relieved I haven’t had any major injuries. Thank the lord (whoever he even is) that I am 100% safe from any injuries. I remember when my grandma said Alina’s mom didn’t want to have another kid because of the traumatising. It felt like iView the talk show was coming on.
    I jumped back from a flashback and flew out the door, sprinted to the end of the brick path, and waited for her to run to me.
    “ It has been SO LONG since we have seen each other!” she said while her HUGE grin stood there plastered on her face. I knew that wasn’t a fake smile. I couldn’t get my plastered smile of my own face until I remembered the traumatising story for her especially. No wonder she has SO MANY ACTIVITIES in the afternoon.
    By the time my HUGE grin ended, we already walked inside and plopped ourselves on the sofa.
    “ What are we gonna do?” she asked, curiosity all over her face. Since when was she THAT curious?
    “ I don’t have a clue, wait I DO now. Lets make something with the mega blocks!” I said.

    ReplyDelete
  6. More detail
    More exiting


    There were tiny dishes of welcoming food in the table to eat. Then we looked at our rooms: My sisters and my room had three beds and a TV, My mom and dads room had a giant bed, also a TV thier own bathroom and a door leading to a platform with a GIANT bath in it! There was also a Dining room, it had a beautiful Table in it and right next to it there was the living room, it had a giant sofa and a TV in front to watch movie that you can ask for in the front desk! There was also stairs leading to the second floor, the second had a huge bed like my mom’s and dad’s so that you could hear the ocean while you're sleeping and there was a deep hot tub to have a swim! Last but not least, there was the very back of the cabin, it was a huge platform with stairs leading to the ocean so that we could take a little swim!

    When we got to our stay I dropped my mouth to see that the cabin was on top of the water. When we got inside there were tiny dishes of welcoming food in the table (my sisters and I ate all of them) we giggled and ran with the food so that no one would see but eventually my dad figured that there were missing snacks. Then we looked at our rooms: My sisters and my room had three beds and a TV, My mom and dads room had a giant bed, also a TV thier own bathroom and a door leading to a platform with a GIANT bath in it! There was also a Dining room, it had a beautiful Table in it and right next to it there was the living room, it had a giant sofa and a TV in front to watch movie that you can ask for in the front desk! Guess What... there was also stairs leading to the second floor, the second had a huge bed like my mom’s and dad’s so that you could hear the ocean while you're sleeping (spa music) and there was a deep hot tub that’s as long as a child! Last but not least, there was the very back of the cabin, it was a huge platform with stairs leading to the ocean so that we could take a little swim! One the stairs leading to the ocean we spotted a tiny island and it belonged to us! Plus, we could go scuba diving and see all kinds of fish like needle fish, clown fish, manta rays, and surprisingly mini sharks!

    ReplyDelete
  7. 1.details
    2.setting

    Old Draft
    I fell asleep so many thoughts and memories in my mind that I wanted to forget and so many memories that I want to keep.
    Same white sand. Same clear water that turned into a deep aquamarine as the water merged closer and closer to the edge and then drops and you see the sky. I walk to the beach and stopped as the water began to splash against my toes it was beautiful. I can feel a tear come down my face and I watch it splash against the water some more come down. I think that I thought my world was going to end but it was only getting started.

    new draft
    I Drifted off into a sleep. Too many thoughts I wanted to forget and to many memories that I wanted to keep.
    Same white sand with full seashells and sand dollars spread scattered across the beach .Same clear water that turned into a deep aquamarine further out to the edge and then the water seems to drop into the sky. I walk along the water across the beach. I stopped and walk closer to the water like something is pulling me there. When the water reaches my toes I slow down and it looked like a picture my feet against the sand and water just coming right up to it. I can feel a tear roll down my cheek and watch it plop into the water. I thought my world was going to end but IT was only riding a bumpy road.

    ReplyDelete
  8. 1. I want to add more detail.
    2. I want to express my feelings in a way that will grab my readers attention.
    Old Draft:
    As I walked up to the creek, that was what I was thinking. Wait, that isn’t entirely true. I walked up to what used to be the creek. I know I should have said it earlier, but where I live is pretty nice! (Please forget about the bad things I have said about California.) I basically live in a little town that you fly over. All you see is a bunch of grass and trees for miles. Anyway, so back on topic. A couple of weeks before, my creek was as full as ever. There were plants, birds, frogs, and small fish, but most importantly, water.
    I slowly stumbled up a passage that leads to my house, a gaping hole in my chest. I’m not so proud of the malicious thought running through my head. Blood was rushing through me, as if my heart was as lifeless and full of sorrow as the man in the Greek myth that was equidistant to a pool of water and a garden, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never consume anything. Every single drop was really gone, like they just disappeared into the hot, dry air of California.

    New Draft

    As I walked up to the creek, that was what I was thinking. Wait, that isn’t entirely true. I walked up to what used to be the creek. I know I should have said it before I trashed the Golden State as a whole (sorry travel companies), but where I live is pretty nice! I basically live in a little town that you fly over, which now I realize doesn't sound that great, but it is small and full of nature, so I love it. All you see is a bunch of grass and trees for miles. Anyway, so back on topic. A couple of weeks before, my creek was as full as ever. There were plants, birds, frogs, and small fish, but most importantly, water.
    I slowly stumbled up a passage that leads to my house, a gaping hole in my chest. I’m not so proud of the malicious thought running through my head, which or course, is why I'm not going to tell you. Blood was rushing through me, as if my heart was as lifeless and full of sorrow as the man in the Greek myth that was equidistant to a pool of water and a garden, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never consume anything. Every single drop was really gone, like they just disappeared into the hot, dry air of California.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Goal: Add more exclamation points

    One day, this past summer, I got home from summer school. My nanny Ruby and I went on a bike ride. It would be my first attempt at riding up a small hill. At first when I pedaled up the hill I went slowly. “Come on you can do it!” I coached myself as I pedaled up the hill. I wanted to go faster and prove that I can do it. Then I pedaled medium speed up the hill. I had to take a break before i reached the top. After that I pedaled up the hill with power! The sounds of the pedals, chain, wheels and wind were speeding through my ears. This helped me get to the top of the hill at last! I was proud of myself! My heart was beating fast and I was out of breath. I was also sweating. My nanny was super happy and had a smile on her face. When I got home, I shared the news and told my dad. He was impressed! Finally, I got a drink of nice cold water and took a relaxing hot shower. I was really tired but happy with my accomplishment! Next time the hill will be easier to ride up. I picture myself going up the hill at a fast speed and being able to pedal to the top faster!

    ReplyDelete
  10. 1 details
    2 finish the ending

    draft 1
    Finally we were back home, one fish and one corn snake. That was an outstanding trip. We had a big party with our families, and fried up the fish and ate it. It was so good.

    draft 2
    We looked up and it was getting dark. We thought to ourselves that our parents would be looking for us in the next 15 to 20 minutes. We decided that it was time for us to go home. There was a long down a deer trail. Finally we were back home, one fish and one corn snake. That was an outstanding trip. We had a big party with our families, and fried up the fish and ate it. It was so good.

    ReplyDelete