Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Sizzling ideas from a different author

Read over your personal narrative and find a part that is bland and needs more sizzle.

To assist, browse through your current leveled reading book. Look for inspirational ideas such as word choice, dialogue, strong opener and closer, flash backs, flash forwards, or other writing tools that author used to make the story come alive.

For each idea write down the page number and idea that you gathered. Find at least 2-3 ideas. Now take these ideas and put them into your writing. DON'T COPY WORDS. Show us the changes you made within your story.


32 comments:

  1. The book I'm using is called "Lion Boy (The Chase)."
    1. Mingling with the smell of damp was a sweet, heavy flower smell. pg. 51
    2. Charlie could not say a word. He was shocked. The lionesses were looking down and away; they could not bare to see the Smilodon's sadness. pg. 25
    3. They didn't. They weren't very nice cats, to tell the truth------they seemed to spend a lot of time ganging up on each other. pg. 80-81
    Old Draft:
    I slowly stumbled up a passage that leads to my house, a gaping hole in my chest. I’m not so proud of the malicious thought running through my head. Blood was rushing through me, as if my heart was as lifeless and full of sorrow as the man in the Greek myth that was equidistant to a pool of water and a garden, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never consume anything. Every single drop was really gone, like they just disappeared into the hot, dry air of California.
    New Draft:
    I slowly stumbled up a passage that leads to my house, a gaping hole in my chest. I was shocked that there wasn't any water left. I looked away from the creek, I just couldn't bare thinking about it for any longer. I’m not so proud of the malicious thought running through my head. Blood was rushing through me, as if my heart was as lifeless and full of sorrow as the man in the Greek myth that was equidistant to a pool of water and a garden, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never consume anything. The man had it worse than me, to tell the truth, but I didn't do anything wrong. Why me? The dry air was painful to endure, even though the sweet scents of grass and flowers were carried across the wind from different places. Happy places. Every single drop was really gone, like they just disappeared into the hot, dry air of California.

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    Replies
    1. Your book seems to be very interesting and you are very descriptive on your sentences. Is this your favorite book?

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    2. Your new draft makes me want to read more of the story and once I would get to the end I want to read a sequal if your going to write one.

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    3. No it isn't my favorite book. I actually don't enjoy it that much compared to others, but it is a good book.

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  2. Book - The Cricket In Time Square.
    1. The train screeched to a stop beside the newsstand, blowing a gust of hot air in front of it. Pg. 3

    2. Inside the drain pipe, Tucker's nest was a jumble of papers, scaps of cloths, buttons, lost jewelry, small change, and everything else that can be picked up in a subway station. Pg.19
    Draft 1.
    One day, this past summer, I got home from summer school. My nanny and I went on a bike ride up a small hill for the first time.At first when I pedaled up the hill I went slowly.“Come on you can do it,” I said to myself as pedaled up the hill. The sounds of the pedals, chain, wheels and the wind were going through my ears. I wanted to go faster and prove that I I can do it. Then I pedaled medium speed up the hill. After that I pedaled up the hill with power which helped me get to the top of the hill. I was proud of myself! My heart was beating fast and I was out of breath.I was sweating. My nanny was super happy with a smile on her face. When I got home, I shared the news and told my dad. He was impressed. After, I got a nice drink of cold water and took a lovely hot shower. I was really tired but happy with myself! Next time the hill will be easier. I picture myself the next time going up the hill at fast speed and being able to pedal faster.
    A really sunny day. Also I mastered the hill i would be super happy

    Draft 2
    One day, this past summer, I got home from summer school. My nanny Ruby and I went on a bike ride up a small hill for the first time. At first when I pedaled up the hill I went up slowly. “Come on you can do it,” I said to myself as pedaled up the hill. The sounds of the pedals, chain, wheels and the wind were going through my ears. I wanted to go faster and prove that I can do it. Then I pedaled a mild speed up the hill. After I pedaled up the hill with muscle power. I was proud of myself! My heart was beating extremly fast and I was completely out of breath. I was sweating bullets. My nanny was super happy with a smile on her face. When I got home, I shared the news with my dad. He was super impressed. After, I got a nice drink of cold water and took a lovely hot shower. I was very tired but happy with myself! Next time up the hill will be easier. I picture myself going up the hill at fast speed and being able to pedal faster.
    Hopefully on a nice sunny summer day I will master the hill.

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  3. The book I'm using is called: "Lily Alone"
    1. Strong Opening- It was my fault. We were all sitting squashed up on the sofa on Friday night watching Coronation Street, the second episode of the evening pg #1
    2. Strong Ending- Then I started on a new drawing of our living room at home. I drew mum on the sofa, me next to her, Pixie on my lap. Baxter was curled up next to mum and Bliss was cuddled up to me, her poorly leg propped up . We're all to be together very,very soon, I wrote underneath.

    Old Draft:
    Well that was the end of us exciting experience. I was kind if happy we went up there because we just found out we were moving so, this might have been the last time we go to Niseko, Japan. We finish the rest of the mountain and we went to meet mummy in the lunch ski chalet. The minute I walk in I could smell all the amazing good looking food. Then we all sat down and told her about our about amazing adventures while we had a delicious lunch!


    New draft:
    Well that was the end of us exciting experience. I was kind if happy we went up there, because we just found out we were moving so, this might have been the last time we go to Niseko, Japan. I was really happy that I got though this daring challenge, yet some part of me felt really hollow, like the inside of me was a tree. We finish the rest of the mountain. We went to meet mummy in the lunch ski chalet next to the resort.. The minute I walk in I could smell all the amazing, good looking food. “I will so miss this place” I whispered over and over again. Then we all sat down and told mummy about our about amazing adventure, while I tried to suck up my sad tears. But I drowned my sorrows by me stuffing my face with a delicious lunch!

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    Replies
    1. I noticed that your new draft is longer then your old draft and you are adding a lot of details great job.

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    2. Amazing discription of your feelings. I am also very impressed with your organization skills

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    3. I didn't know you went to Japan

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  4. The book I am using is called Ida B.
    1. So if I had to give it words, This was what I'd say the tree was telling me:
    "Hard times are coming."
    2."Eyedabee." This is how Mama and Daddy and anyone who knows me particularly will say my name. My mama';s name is Ida, and even though our names are near-to-identical my Daddy says them real different.
    3. "better talk to the old tree."The brook went on as it polled away.
    "yep yep, that's a good idea,"It called as it tumbled over the rocks and around the mountain and it was gone.

    old draft.
    draft 15
    There is a song that I can’t get out of my head but every time i think of it I start to ball. It goes like this, “oh Mexico he sun so hot I just want to go.” It is such a beautiful song but the words to it have all the meaning.
    As i sat on my bed i looked out and watched the sun go down through my window.
    “dinners in fifteen mom called out to everyone in the house. The way she said it made me think about the song and i started to cry again.

    new draft
    draft 16
    There is a song that I can’t get out of my head but every time I think of it I start to ball. It goes like this, “oh mexico the sun so hot I just want to go.”It is such a wonderful song that usually fills you with joy but not that much anymore.
    As I sat on my bed I looked out the window to see the sun tumble below the hills and around the city lights and it was gone.
    “dinner is in fifteen mom called out.”
    Mom called out the words all slurry like, “dinnerisinfifteen” but the song mexico slurs like that to. I started to cry. so much has been happening to fast.



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    Replies
    1. sorry forgot the page numbers,
      1. pg 14
      2. pg 17
      3. pg 12

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    2. I loved the prompt that you gave us!!! It was really fun!!! I hope that you will be able to make some more another time!!

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    3. Great job with making the blogger prompt last night. I saw you put a lot of effort into it. Hope you can make more of our blogger prompts!

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  5. 1. Which Witch
    2.Mabey, "When he was born"Pg.78
    3.dialog."Rubbish" said Nancy shouter "It's exactly like the others and nasty with it"
    4.As I asked my cousin Brianna whose house is that over across the street she said “Oh its just your other cousins house”. Then my mom met my cousins mom met my cousins mom Caroline and my mom asked “what is your daughter's name?” then she said “Brianna, so how are you are you I haven’t seen you in a very very long time its been like 20 years already"
    New Draft
    I asked my cousin Brianna "Whose house is that over across the street"
    Then she said “Oh its just your other cousins house”. Then my mom met my cousins mom met my cousins mom Caroline and my mom asked “what is your daughter's name?”
    Then she said “Brianna, so how are you I haven’t seen you in a very very long time its been like 20 years already”

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  6. Book - The Battle Of the Labyrinth by Rick Riordan
    1. There was a lot of mumbling and complaints, but the campers drifted off, talking among themselves and giving me suspicious looks. Pg. 61
    2. I walked into the amphitheater and my heart almost stopped. Pg. 22

    Draft 1: Once we were in the gym, Mrs. Reischling told us not to sit down because we were going to be walking first. It was good that we were walking first because I can’t sit down with my big, complicated popcorn costume. It was too hard to take it off and I don’t have a clue where I was going to put it. Ms. Shima and Mr. Corritone had microphones and told us the parade was going to start with the 4th graders, then 5th, and so on. The music started and we started walking. I grabbed the first bag of popcorn. I felt bad that the 4th graders, who were marching right now because they wouldn’t get any of the popcorn I was passing out.

    Draft 2: As I entered the gym I heard a lot of excited chatter as all the students waited for the parade. It was good that we were walking first because I can’t sit down with my big, complicated popcorn costume. It was too hard to take it off and I don’t have a clue where I was going to put it. Ms. Shima and Mr. Corritone had microphones and told us the parade was going to start with the 4th graders, then 5th, and so on. The music started and my heart began to race. I grabbed the first bag of popcorn. I felt bad that the 4th graders, who were marching right now because they wouldn’t get any of the popcorn I was passing out.

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    Replies
    1. I loved the inserts that you chose!! I loved how they were relevant to your story. They really made your story even more great (if that was even possible from the original!) Your story is great and that book is also amazing!!!

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    2. This is really good I like the part of the book that had the mumbling complaints you did really well

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  7. Book- Pendragon book 1
    1.I'm afraid that if I lose that memory I'm going to lose everything Pg 2.
    2. "Then you know how serious this is". Pg 9
    3.Still the occasional rude awakening. Pg 13

    Draft 1
    As we were walking along we saw them the turtles so immediately some people got their phones out to start filming, while others ( Natalie, our mom and I) started to go out and help the turtles get to the ocean safely. After about 5 minutes the people who were filming decided that the had gotten enough film so they started to help out as well.

    Draft 2
    As we were walking in the moonlight glare along the beach we saw the turtles. Of course some people got their phones out to start filming the turtles. While they were doing that Natalie,our mom and I started to help the turtles get to the surf safely so that they could be free. When the people who were filming decided they had gotten enough footage they decided to help the turtles get to the surf and freedom.

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    Replies
    1. I like how you added a lot more tiny details like the setting.

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    2. I thought that you had to stay 25feet away?

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  8. the book i am using is Dillon Dillon

    1. i can hear them whispering behind me and i wander.
    2. I look over i see nobody i think he is captured.

    Old Draft
    on my cruise we were celebrating my cousins birthday i left early by my self because i was not feeling well in the main hall of the ship there was dancing and a whole show going on i stopped to watch and when i turned round after the show my sister was standing right behind me watching the show and i said did you no i was here.No i thought you were a random girl blocking my view

    New Draft
    on my cruise we were celebrating my cousins birthday i left early by my self because i was not feeling well because i ate too much. But i walked In the main hall of the ship. There was dancing and a whole show going on i stopped to watch and when i turned round after the show my sister was standing right behind me watching the show and i said did you no i was here.No i thought you were a random girl blocking my view.I Aso Glad She Is My Sister She Is Always Nice When She Talks To Me.

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  9. Book: The BFG

    1. All at once, a huge tear that would have filled a bucket rolled down one of the BFG's cheeks and fell with a splash on the floor. It made quite a puddle. Page 39

    2. He was running so fast his black cloak was streaming out behind him like the wings of a bird. Each stride he took was as long as a tennis court.

    Old Draft

    I liked that Jake and I got there really early because then we could have some time to play and talk. We started to two touch and it was really fun.Two touch is one of the most popular games at Ormandale. Everybody loves to play it, and sometimes it is hard to get a ball.

    New Draft:
    I liked that Jake and I got there early because then we can have some time to play and talk, and hang out. We started to play two touch, and it was really fun. Two touch is one of the most popular games at Ormandale. It's hard to get a ball sometimes, because everybody is running to the balls, to play two touch, or soccer, or handball. Its like a concert, where everybody is pushing to get closer. It's like that with the balls when there pushing, and shoving to get them.

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  10. My book is The Boy Who Saved Baseball
    1. Tom sensed the ghostly calm even before he opened his eyes. pg. 1
    2. Yes, Yes, it is. Pg. 25

    old draft:
    The group fell silent, as if the stars demanded their full attention though the night was warm, Tom climbed inside his bag and brought it up to his chin. Nearby, Ram'on stepped about,setting up his tripod and telescope. In the distance, some fifty yards away, Tom could hear the muffled sounds of his father on the back porch, snoring.
    New Draft:
    The group became silent, as if their attention went fully to the stars. About 50 yard back Ram'on set up a telescope to watch the stars. They were all sitting in a circle all looking at the stars when BOOM, BOOM, BOOM they started falling asleep. No one was in the tent they were all outside because it was a super small tent.

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  11. Inspiring Sentence (w/ emotion): "I felt guilty after reading the letter."
    Inspiring Sentence: "I think mom was so relieved that her son would arrive home that she didn't worry about what is would be like to see a changed guy." The changed guy is Danny who got half his leg amputated.
    New Draft:
    I jumped out of the car with a thud, not bothering to pay attention that some of my things were in the car. I started thinking while I ran, of what I will do at the store. I already saw the outside before but never the inside. Maybe it will have large escalators like in LA. What about a restaurant with tables on balconies. That wouldn’t be possible because the balconies are tiny. Maybe there will be rooms with things for the historical dolls.
    I wondered as I slipped off my backpack with another great thud onto my desk sliding off the side. It ricocheted off the curved back of my white, shiney desk. I picked up the iPad and started to watch a Youtube video. No homework on a Friday!
    What is going on that means so much to me? Well, there is always an explanation. My cousin was coming over to my house. She hasn’t been here since last year because she lives just in Sacramento, about two hours away. We got a special reservation to go to the American Girl store! I only have been once but that was in LA after Christmas.
    I walked, very fast, almost sprinting to the kitchen so I could find a snack. My mom was making fries and chicken nuggets for us to eat so I couldn’t eat them. I just pulled something at random from the cabinet but it turns out the food I found was expired. My mom told me not to spoil my appetite for when Alina comes. I just walked back to my room, ridiculously starving.
    Old Draft:
    I opened the front door as the car pulled up in the driveway. My cousin popped out of the door opposite to us. Her head bobbed as she ran to me. Flow of hair trailing behind her as she darted with full speed.
    What occasion is so special that Alina comes over to my house? Why once a year only? Well I can tell you the answers.
    My cousin, Alina is exactly 1 year and 10 days apart from me. We both were born in November so each year we celebrate birthdays together and one with just our friends. Each birthday hasn’t been as much fun as this one.
    “ Hi!” She said while she walked up the stairs, parents trailing behind her.
    “ Hello!” I said back to her, while my parents and grandparents came out the front door.
    While the older ones greeted the other older ones we darted downstairs, Maddie trailing behind us yelling “WAIT FOR ME.”
    I always feel something bad will happen that day but the rest will be amazing with Alina. It’s like we’re two positives or two negatives but the little electric part that keeps us apart is the problem. The only thing I wish would happen is I would become a negative or a positive and same thing with her so we would be opposite charges that means no problems.
    “ What will we do today?” She asked as we sat on the couch downstairs. I felt like it was the beginning of a song in those sappy movies.

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    Replies
    1. I really like your word choice Catherine! I liked how you described everything and I could visualize everything you did and everything you heard! Great Job!

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    2. Your story was really detailed!!!!!! I really want to read the whole thing!!!

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    3. I love all the details you put in to your story. I love it!!!!

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  13. makena i really enjoin reading your store at resses. i think it was really good how you put details. and what happen in the storie and what ids going on.

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