Tuesday, October 28, 2014

I can see the end

Tonight you'll get the opportunity to work on any part of your personal narrative story. It NEEDS TO BE DONE by Friday, October 31st. 


  • Read over your partner's checklist s/he filled out for you today. Remember they shared their comments on Google Docs.
  • Write down 1-2 goals for tonight's writing
  • Copy old draft of a section
  • Compose new draft
  • No one is done with their story until Friday, 1:00pm
  • Next week we'll do all the publishing work, which is quite stressful and fun!

3 more days to go!  Off your write. 

21 comments:

  1. New draft
    I was In the Car leaving my house and my heart was pounding because of the first day of Baseball! After a while I arrived at the Ford field and once again we were beat by the Keller's like every year. So I got in the batting cage and my coach Mr. Keller was pitching to warm me hitting. My friend Jake warmed me up by throwing with me and then my dad was doing grounders. After 30 minutes the game started and I was batting third. When I reached 1st base I saw that my friend at third the catcher was trying to throw him out. So when I got to third I took a lead and I kept growing and growing. So the catcher looked at me, it was a stare down and when he threw the ball I started running and my dad was yelling slide and I did and I herd the umpire yell safe. When I walked back to the dugout and the look at my dad and I could tell that he really was scared. After the inning ended we were in the field. So when it came to the start of inning we got the out on a grounder to me. The next two was a strikeout and a pop up. After 1 hour we would go on to win 11 to 4 us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're story is great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Delete
    2. that is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Delete
  2. 1. I want to add more figurative language to my story.
    2. I want to organize it better.

    New Draft
    Look, I didn’t want to be living in this period of torment. Sure, life is a joyous thing, I'll give you that, but not when it is suffering beneath your nose. Not when it is like a piece of glass shattering on the hard pavement. Not when it is broken. Life is a happy thing. Everyone knows that (or should), but do people care about animals or other organisms dying, not so much. Most people think death upon death, it doesn’t matter. Every organism struggling to live can wait because all they need to do is find a way to get enough money to pay their bills because they are too lazy to consider having a job. If you are one of these people (please pretend I’m saying this nicely) you're wrong. Dead wrong.
    “Sure, we’re humans, we work harder than any other creature! We have to grocery shop, email on our high tech computers and do whatever we want for the day. It’s hard work!!!!!” You might just say that to make an excuse, and that isn’t good. The only thing excuses give you in life is a okay to make more, which ends up in many ways. The first involves your grades getting lower and lower until you can’t go to college which ends you up living homeless. Or, of course you can end end up the second way which includes buying a mansion that you can’t pay for and “Oops”, getting your house (and money) taken by the bank and also ending up homeless. Do I need to go on any further?
    My name is Gigi Pistilli. I’m just your average 11 year old kid (except for the fact that I am a COMPLETE NERD!) Wait, that isn't average.I'm just your normal 11 year old weird kid. I live in California; the land of Hollywood, beaches, and rich, greedy people that are too caught up in their companies to realize that they should have retired 20 years ago. As the Katy Perry song “California Gurls” says, the grass is really yellower, it is warm, dry, and wild, and people love to sip water (when there used to be any) and sit in the burning hot sun waiting for their faces to peel off. In case you haven’t noticed, we are in a drought. A life-threatening-scorching-hot drought.






    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry! There wasn't any room! Here is the another part of the new draft.
      As I walked up to the creek, that was what I was thinking. Wait, that isn’t entirely true. I walked up to what used to be the creek. I know I should have said it before I trashed the Golden State as a whole (sorry travel companies, no one will be visiting), but where I live is pretty nice! I basically live in a little town that you fly over, which now I realize doesn't sound that great, but it is small and full of nature, so I love it. ( I don't know about you, but this isn't your story!) All you see is a bunch of grass and trees for miles. Anyway, so back on topic. A couple of weeks before, my creek was as full as ever. There were plants, birds, frogs, and small fish, but most importantly, water. How such a rapid change happened I didn't know, but at the time, it wasn't real relevant.

      Delete
    2. Here is more
      I slowly stumbled up a passage that leads to my house, a gaping hole in my chest. I’m not so proud of the malicious thought running through my head, which, of course, is why I'm not going to tell you. Blood was rushing through me, as if my heart was as lifeless and full of sorrow as the man in the Greek myth that was equidistant to a pool of water and a garden, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never consume anything. Every single drop was really gone, like they just disappeared into the hot, dry air of California.
      As I kept walking, I thought about the creeks old beauty. Every serene drop of water, every single leaf, every little sound, it was so enchanting. I remember running my fingers through the cool, blissful water, scooping up a handful even though it usually oozed out of my fingers before I could have a sip of the cool, refreshing water. What I would have given to return to that moment. That peaceful moment. Sure, when it was there, it was cool. I mean who doesn’t want their own personal playground in their backyard, but now that it is gone, I wanted it more than anything in the whole world.
      When I finally reached the screen door, my lovable dog Honey was there to greet me. Let’s put this easily, if I were to say that I didn’t get toppled over by a shower of kisses, or that I didn’t get a single scratch, I would be lying. Honey is the greatest dog in the whole wide world. She isn’t judgmental, she isn’t a backstabbing, blackmailing mean psycho, and she isn’t a kleptomaniac, but she is very happy and cheery. I guess what I’m saying is that she isn’t human, which, don’t get me wrong, I generally think are great, besides the million people who only care about their sports cars, money, businesses, and the new remodel that they started even though they finished one last month. I pictured what it would be like if animals were as greedy and unsympathetic as people. Honey would probably be tearing me apart.


      Delete
    3. And More
      These snobby, conceited people (you know, the people I was talking about, with the remodels) sadly live in the area that I live in as well. I live in Silicon Valley, the land of rich people, you could call it. Most people here are geniuses who started a company, or people who inherited money from their parents. The people who are geniuses are nice, but the people who inherit money from their parents can be nice, or............... (think of the opposite of caring and generous.) They usually don’t think of anyone besides their oh-so-important selves. To them, every major world problem is nothing. You name it. Ebola, Global Warming, poverty, nothing matters to them. As I said before, their just too busy on their new remodel even though the last one ended a month ago. I just don’t get these people.
      I kept returning each day, but it never got any better. It was still dry. It was then when I knew that it was all gone. Every bird singing, every frog leaping, and I just let it happen. I just sat there and watched a whole ecosystem collapse right under my nose. Could I have done anything, I wouldn't know. All of the emotions flowing through my brain like water churning through the ocean were too busy for anything as silly as that. (Not that that isn't usually the case.)
      I jumped in the dry patch of ground, trying to find some water left, or at least something aquatic. There was nothing. I closed my eyes and remembered every single living creature there. Every heron, every cricket, every mountain lion, they were so dependent on the water, but now it was all gone. It was like as if every little sign of life vanished in thin air, evaporating into lifeless mist that would end up in the atmosphere constantly traveling to different places as a small speck of vapor. If your friends and your family had died just like that, how would you feel? Tears started welling up in my eyes, my usual smile turned into a look so full of sadness and torment no one could bear (which probably explains why i was alone at the time). I know it might sound like I'm a little drama queen living in a small town full of zillionaires (which isn't half lying), but I really meant it. Again, who cares? There is poverty, global warming, but who cares about someone's silly neighborhood creek? The leaves there were bound to dry into shriveled pieces of lifeless compost, but why then? It should have happened when the Sun engulfed the Earth in an inescapable fiery furnace. It should have happened if an earthquake caused rocks to pour in like the small waterfalls that used to lie there. Not then. So why shouldn’t I care?
      Tears started to well up in my eyes. “Why!!!!!!”, I screamed. “Why!!!!!!”I ran up to my house, and slammed the door behind me. I was so sad, I felt like another gaping hole was in my chest, and the only thing that could fill it was water. I walked outside, and gazed at my creek. Well, that was what it used to be anyway. Now it was just a ditch.
      Then, as if it was right under my nose, a thought came to me. My brain was quite absent that day. Forget the animals at my creek (that came out wrong), what about every other animal in California! We drove the grizzly’s out, and that is our state flag. We can’t lose every other living creature, even though technically it isn’t our fault this time. Every tormented mountain lion, every suffering bird, it is just so sad! Why does our ecosystem, our survival, have to be constantly pending on if there are clouds in the sky or not? It just was. There was nothing I could do. Nothing in the whole world. the world all of it’s glories, nothing could save it but rain. Nothing.

      Delete
    4. This is the last one
      When walked in again, the gaping hole in my chest started to close up like water filling a glass. I looked around, amazed about how selfish I was being. Sure, there wasn’t water, but there was still life! Maybe the only birds were in the oak trees high above the dry stream, but there were still birds! Maybe the frogs were those huddling over small pools of water, but there were still frogs! I was dumbfounded when I looked back on how sad I was. It isn’t as if I lived in a Mediterranean paradise! Through every storm, through every drought, it would all be returned one day. Maybe even I soon will be worried about a flood. Sure, it will never be the same ever again. That is just change. There is nothing I can do to save it but hope. And maybe soon there will be more life, but the only thing I can do is wait humbly (and try not to kill myself in the process.)

      Delete
    5. Sorry!! This is the first part my old draft.
      Look, I didn’t want to be living in this period of torment. Sure, life is a joyous thing, but not when it is suffering beneath your nose. Not when nothing can revive it. Life is a happy thing. Everyone knows that (or should) but nature, not so much. Most people think death upon death, it doesn’t matter. Every organism struggling to live can wait because all they need to do is find a way to get enough money to pay their bills because they are too lazy to consider having a job. If you are one of these people (please pretend I’m saying this nicely) you're wrong. Dead wrong.
      “Sure, we’re humans, we work harder than any other creature! We have to grocery shop, email on our high tech computers and do whatever we want for the day. It’s hard work!!!!!” You might just say that to make an excuse, and that isn’t good. The only thing excuses give you in life is a okay to make more, which ends up in many ways. The first involves your grades getting lower and lower until you can’t go to college which ends you up living homeless. Or, of course you can end end up the second way which includes buying a mansion that you can’t pay for and “Oops”, getting your house (and money) taken by the bank and also ending up homeless. Do I need to go on any further?
      My name is Gigi Pistilli. I’m just your average 11 year old kid (except for the fact that I am a COMPLETE NERD!) I live in California; the land of Hollywood, beaches, and rich, greedy people that are too caught up in their companies to realize that they should have retired 20 years ago. As the Katy Perry song “California Gurls” says, the grass is really yellower, it is warm, dry, and wild, and people love to sip water (when there used to be any) and sit in the burning hot sun waiting for their faces to peel off. In case you haven’t noticed, we are in a drought. A life-threatening-scorching-hot drought.

      Delete
  3. Here is more
    As I walked up to the creek, that was what I was thinking. Wait, that isn’t entirely true. I walked up to what used to be the creek. I know I should have said it before I trashed the Golden State as a whole (sorry travel companies), but where I live is pretty nice! I basically live in a little town that you fly over, which now I realize doesn't sound that great, but it is small and full of nature, so I love it. All you see is a bunch of grass and trees for miles. Anyway, so back on topic. A couple of weeks before, my creek was as full as ever. There were plants, birds, frogs, and small fish, but most importantly, water.
    I slowly stumbled up a passage that leads to my house, a gaping hole in my chest. I’m not so proud of the malicious thought running through my head, which or course, is why I'm not going to tell you. Blood was rushing through me, as if my heart was as lifeless and full of sorrow as the man in the Greek myth that was equidistant to a pool of water and a garden, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never consume anything. Every single drop was really gone, like they just disappeared into the hot, dry air of California.
    As I kept walking, I thought about the creeks old beauty. Every drop of water, every single leaf, every little sound, it was so enchanting. I remember running my fingers through the cool, blissful water, scooping up a handful even though it usually oozed out of my fingers before I could have a sip of the cool, refreshing water. What I would have given to return to that moment. That peaceful moment. Sure, when it was there, it was cool. I mean who doesn’t want their own personal playground in their backyard, but now that it is gone, I wanted it more than anything in the whole world.

    ReplyDelete
  4. And More
    When I finally reached the screen door, my lovable dog Honey was there to greet me. Let’s put this easily, if I were to say that I didn’t get toppled over by a shower of kisses, or that I didn’t get a single scratch, I would be lying.
    Honey is the greatest dog in the whole wide world. She isn’t judgemental, she isn’t a backstabbing, blackmailing mean psycho, and she isn’t a kleptomaniac, but she is very happy and cheery. I guess what I’m saying is that she isn’t human, which, don’t get me wrong, I generally think are great, besides the million people who only care about their sports cars, money, businesses, and the new remodel that they started even though they finished one last month. I pictured what it would be like if animals were as greedy and unsympathetic as people. Honey would probably be tearing me apart.
    These snobby, concieted people sadly live in the area that I live in. I live in Silicon Valley, the land of rich people, you could call it. Most people here are geniuses who started a company, or people who inherited money from their parents. The first people are nice, but the second type can be nice, or they get into a lot of trouble. they usually don’t think of anyone besides their oh-so-important selves. To them, every major world problem is nothing. You name it. Ebowla, Global Warming, poverty, nothing matters to them. As I said before, their just too busy on their new remodel even though the last one ended a month ago. I just don’t get these people.
    I kept returning each day, but it never got any better. It was still dry. It was then when I knew that it was all gone. Every bird singing, every frog leaping, and I just let it happen. I just sat there and watched a whole ecosystem collapse right under my nose. Could I have done anything, I wouldn't know. All of the emotions flowing through my brain were too busy for anything as silly as that. (Not that that isn't usually the case.)
    I jumped in the dry patch of ground, trying to find some water left, or at least something aquatic. There was nothing. I closed my eyes and remembered every single living creature there. Every heron, every cricket, every mountain lion, they were so dependent on the water, but now it was all gone. It was like as if every little sign of life vanished in thin air, evaporating into lifeless mist that would end up in the atmosphere constantly traveling to different places as a small speck of vapor. If that had happened to your friends, your family, how would you feel? Tears started welling up in my eyes, my usual smile turned into a look so full of sadness and torment no one could bear. I know it might sound like I'm a little drama queen living in a small town full of zillionaires (which isn't half lying), but I really meant it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is the last one
    Again, who cares? There is poverty, global warming, but who cares about someone's silly neighborhood creek? The leaves there were bound to dry into shriveled pieces of lifeless compost, but why then? It should have happened when the Sun engulfed the Earth in an inescapable fiery furnace. It should have happened if an earthquake caused rocks to pour in like the small waterfalls that used to lie there. Not then. So why shouldn’t I care?
    Tears started to well up in my eyes. “Why!!!!!!”, I screamed. “Why!!!!!!”I ran up to my house, and slammed the door behind me. I was so sad, I felt like there was a gaping hole in my chest, and the only thing that could fill it was water. I walked outside, and gazed at my creek. Well, that was what it used to be anyway. Now it was just a ditch.
    Then, as if it was right under my nose, a thought came to me. My brain was quite absent that day. Forget the animals at my creek (that came out wrong), what about every other animal in California! We drove the grizzly’s out, and that is our state flag. We can’t lose every other living creature, even though technically it isn’t our fault this time. Every tormented mountain lion, every suffering bird, it is just so sad! Why does our ecosystem, our survival, have to be constantly pending on if there are clouds in the sky or not? It just was. There was nothing I could do. Nothing in the whole world. ith all of it’s glories, nothing could save it but rain. Nothing.
    When walked in again, the gaping hole in my chest started to close up like water filling a glass. I looked around, amazed about how selfish I was being. Sure, there wasn’t water, but there was still life! Maybe the only birds were in the oak trees high above the dry stream, but there were still birds! Maybe the frogs were those huddling over small pools of water, but there were still frogs! I was dumbfounded when I looked back on how sad I was. It isn’t as if I lived in a Mediterranean paradise! Through every storm, through every drought, it would all be returned one day. Maybe even I soon will be worried about a flood. Sure, it will never be the same ever again. That is just change. There is nothing I can do to save it but hope. And maybe soon there will be more life, but the only thing I can do is wait humbly and try not to kill myself in the process.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sorry!! I was editing my whole story and it is really long.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So many comments that are just writing!

      Delete

  7. We looked up and it was getting dark. We thought to ourselves that our parents would be looking for us in the next 15 to 20 minutes. We decided that it was time for us to go home. There was a long long down a deer trail. Finally we were back home, one fish and one corn snake. That was an outstanding trip. We had a big party with our families, and fried up the fish and ate it. It was so good.

    ReplyDelete
  8. 1. To try to add description for my clothes
    2. I want try to make images pop into my readers head as hey read my story,

    Old Draft:
    I knew Mia couldn’t keep a secret even for a such a short amount of time, like when I was at school one day and mummy and Mia came to pick me up after school I could tell the minute we got in the car I knew she was keeping a secret. Then mummy said there was a suprise at home, then Mia started covering her mouth, then like 5 seconds later she just blurted it out. Her and mummy had made me a milkshake. I was so surprised because home was like only 5 minutes away. “


    New Draft:
    I knew Mia couldn’t keep a secret even for a such a short amount of time. Then all of a sudden I just stopped. An image just POPPED into my head, It felt like I have just put popcorn into an oven. I remembered a time when I said that EXACT same sentence to my mum. It was the time when I was just finishing school one day, Mummy and Mia came to pick me . I could tell the minute I got in the car I knew Mia was keeping a secret. That little smirk on her little, adorable face, just screamed she was hiding a secret. Then mummy said there was a suprise at home, then Mia started covering her mouth, like their was a gag over it. Then like 5 seconds later she just blurted it out.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Goals
    1. Dialogue when there is action
    2. Less dialogue when there isn't much action
    Old Draft:
    I swung out the front door and immediately remembered about the news. A while ago before I was born, my cousin had heart surgery. I remember when my grandma was telling me this in my room, that she was transferred to millions of hospitals all in an ambulance with her dad following behind her in the car. Alina’s mom had to stay at the hospital because Alina just came out and had to get surgery right away.
    Right then I felt awful because of the trauma that was going on for her. Just when I was in second grade my sister had cancer so I am relieved I haven’t had any major injuries. Thank the lord (whoever he even is) that I am 100% safe from any injuries. I remember when my grandma said Alina’s mom didn’t want to have another kid because of the traumatising. It felt like iView the talk show was coming on.
    I jumped back from a flashback and flew out the door, sprinted to the end of the brick path, and waited for her to run to me.
    “ It has been SO LONG since we have seen each other!” she said while her HUGE grin stood there plastered on her face. I knew that wasn’t a fake smile. I couldn’t get my plastered smile of my own face until I remembered the traumatising story for her especially. No wonder she has SO MANY ACTIVITIES in the afternoon.
    By the time my HUGE grin ended, we already walked inside and plopped ourselves on the sofa.
    “ What are we gonna do?” she asked, curiosity all over her face. Since when was she THAT curious?
    “ I don’t have a clue, wait, now I do! Lets make something with the mega blocks!” I said.

    10/28/14
    “ Okay!” she responded as I started taking out the humongous chunks of bricks. Make that Lego bricks, whatever!

    She walked over to the other drawer of even more Legos and started pulling them out. I noticed my sister start to just lay on the couch, bored out of her minds, not even helping until Alina said, “ C’mon Maddie, help us!”
    “ Okay.” Then she got off the couch and made that “bored” face at us but Alina never noticed. She is the happiest person I know related to me.
    New Draft:
    We didn’t finish when my mom flicked the light switch to let us know it is time to go.
    “ Hair supplies are in the hallway bathroom and Catherine’s room.” she told us when we got to the top of the stairs.
    We started to burst into a sprint as we went to my room. I thought to myself about what it will be like to be back at heaven. “Maybe it could be just like LA but darker.” I said to myself as we entered the light filled room.

    Just as we got into the car, Alina hopped into her car and the engine rumbled on. They didn’t know the directions so we got there first.
    “ YAY WE ARE HERE!” I shouted in the car so loud everyone plugged their ears. My mom suddenly hopped out with my dad and opened the trunk to unload our stuff. We had finally found a parking spot in the large crowd. I spotted the line in the distance, it was THE BIGGEST LINE I HAVE EVER SEEN. Monday and Sunday had bigger lines.

    ReplyDelete
  10. goals
    exclamation points
    add a name
    old draft: #1
    The day i got home Me and my nanny went on a bike ride up a small hill before when I pedaled up the hill slowly then I pedaled medium speed up the hill after that i pedaled up the hill with speed then I got to the top of the hill and i was proud of myself then my nanny was super happy then i told my dad he was impressed then i got a nice drink of cold water and I relaxed after that I took a hot shower.

    new draft #2
    One day, this past summer, I got home from summer school. My nanny Ruby and I went on a bike ride. It would be my first attempt at riding up a small hill. At first when I pedaled up the hill I went slowly. “Come on you can do it!” I coached myself as I pedaled up the hill. I wanted to go faster and prove that I can do it. Then I pedaled medium speed up the hill. I had to take a break before i reached the top. After that I pedaled up the hill with power! The sounds of the pedals, chain, wheels and wind were speeding through my ears. This helped me get to the top of the hill at last! I was proud of myself! My heart was beating fast and I was out of breath. I was also sweating. My nanny was super happy and had a smile on her face. When I got home, I shared the news and told my dad. He was impressed! Finally, I got a drink of nice cold water and took a relaxing hot shower. I was really tired but happy with my accomplishment! Next time the hill will be easier to ride up. I picture myself going up the hill at a fast speed and being able to pedal to the top faster!

    A really sunny day. Also I mastered the hill I would be super happy!

    ReplyDelete
  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Discription
    Emotion on characters

    New Draft
    This is it this the time I would go to a new state (besides Mexico)“Oregon” I bet it would look so beautiful! Right then I saw the “Welcome to Oregon” sign I screamed to my mom “Mom we are there!!!” so loud I saw five birds fly up into the light blue fresh air. We were still driving to my cousins house it was far,very far.I stayed up with all night with my mom and admired the the view of the dark green trees. I saw that there was a pond and quickly noticed there were geese in the pond so I said “mom look at the geese in the pond” then my mom said “ Wow I didn’t even notice them, you have good eyesight” and I said “Thanks mom”. Next, We finally there we were at my cousins house. The house looked kind of small from the outside but in the inside it is really big. but when I looked across the street I saw another big house it was big on the outside and big in the inside to! I asked my cousin brianna “Whose house is that across the street”? Then she said “thats your other cousins house its big huh?”
    Then my mom met my cousins. We arrived to my aunt Carrie’s house where we umet lots of family members, I was really excited to meet my cousins. My favorite cousin is named Cassandra, she has a Wii and she’s also has a parrot and she is awesome!!! We then met more family who lives across the street from my aunts house.Then I asked Brianna if we can go over to their house and she said “Yeah but ask your mom first O.K”
    So I asked my mom and she said yes as well,so when I was in the house I saw people and ask my cousin Brianna "who are they?"then she said "those are your cousins" So I went to one of them and said " hi what's your name?"Then she said "hi my name is Cassandra".After that she said "do you want to play the Wii?" then I said "yeah sure what game are we going to play?"
    New draft
    This is it this the time I would go to a new state (besides Mexico),“Oregon” I bet it would look so beautiful! Right then I saw the “Welcome to Oregon” sign I screamed to my mom ,“Mom we're there!!!” so loud I saw five birds fly up into the light blue fresh air.

    ReplyDelete