Tuesday, September 30, 2014

KEEP ON ELABORATING

Tonight you'll have another opportunity to elaborate on a specific section.

Directions:

  1. Find an important section of your personal narrative so you can focus on that for elaboration. 
  2. Ask yourself, "What is this section really about?"
  3. Write 1-2 goals.  Make sure we see your goals on the Blogger response.
  4. Take the part you selected and make the "driver", you, go slower. Make the reader notice all the details. Include what you saw--all of those visual details. Don't forget about using your powerful senses. 
  5. Include WHAT'S MY SECTION ABOUT?
  6. Show new draft along with the old draft

STRATEGIES FOR ELABORATING ON IMPORTANT PARTS

  • Slow down the action, telling it bit-by-bit
  • Add dialogue
  • Give details
  • Show small actions
  • Add internal thinking

Example Response:
Goals:
1. Add more internal dialogue by using italics
2. Add more detail to the main character including clothing

What's my section about?
text, text, text, text


Old Draft: 
my text, my text, my text

14 comments:

  1. 1.Add felling
    2.Add more of the other characters

    Draft 1
    We had just arrived and I saw my friends Dylan, Jake and Joe there in the batting cage. There was no one else. as I walked over and set my bag down i pulled out my helmet and bat and walked in.

    Draft 2
    We had just arrived and my hart was beating hard as I got my bag. I got my bag and walked over to the cage where Dylan, Jake and Joe where.
    They said "hi Matthew and I said hi back

    ReplyDelete
  2. Goals
    1. Add vocabulary words.
    2. Be more descriptive.
    Old Draft
    When I got home, the hole in my chest started to close up. I looked around and I realized how lucky I was. I was dumbfounded when I looked back on how sad I was because I knew that whatever happened, it would be okay. Through every storm, through every drought, it would all be returned one day. Maybe even I soon would be worried that it will flood. Sure, it will never be the same ever again. That is just change. There is nothing I can do to save it but hope. And maybe soon there will be more life, but the only thing I can do is wait humbly and try not to kill myself in the process.

    New Draft
    When I got home, surprisingly, the hole in my chest started to close up. I started to peer around my wide open kitchen and I started to realize how lucky I really was. I was dumbfounded when I looked back on how sad I was because I knew that whatever happened, it would be okay. Through every storm, through every drought, it would all be returned one day. Maybe even I soon would be worried that it will flood. Sure, it will never be the same ever again. That is just change. Maybe change is what I am afraid of, not the drought. Change, I've never dealt with it well. The content transfer of one state to another is just to much for me to handle. There is nothing I can do to save it but hope. And maybe soon there will be more life, but the only thing I can do is wait humbly and try not to kill myself in the process.

    What it is About
    It is the very end of my story. It is about when I realize I don't have it as bad as many other people do. It is the resolution of my story.

    ReplyDelete
  3. 1. I gazed out in the driveway as I saw her struggling to get her things out. I don’t think she had any help to get her things. Of course her parents were carrying things as well.
    “ Hi Catherine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she screeched in her normal voice.
    “ YAY!” I screeched as well, “ Finally after such a long year we see each other again!” I gazed back at the house. “ Let’s go play inside.”
    “ Okey dokey.” she replied as we walked inside with Maddie dragging her feet behind her as she skipped.
    I should slow down this part because it's a small section and it just goes by like a snap of your fingers. Also I should add a bit more in this section.
    2. This section is really about the excitement I get when my cousin arrives.
    3.
    a. Add just a bit more diologue
    b. slow down the really exciting parts
    4.
    I gazed out in the driveway as I saw her struggling to get her things out. I don’t think she had any help to get her things. Of course her parents were carrying things as well. Just as she got out of the car, I noticed a huge grin and an urge to bounce toward me.
    “ Hi Catherine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she screeched in her normal voice.
    “ YAY!” I screeched as well, “ Finally after such a long year we see each other again!”
    I watched her skipping to me at the front door. She must be as excited as me.
    I gazed back at the house. “ Let’s go play inside.”
    “ Okey dokey.” she replied as we walked inside, dragging her feet behind her as she skipped, followed us.
    5. My section is basically about my cousin being as excited as I was to see me.
    6.
    New Draft:
    Later when we got downstairs, which took forever, all we did was take out mega blocks and build while talking. There wasn’t a lot of things downstairs besides the five animals.
    “ Lets make a mountain!” I said, “ Ooh, even better a ski resort mountain!”
    “ Yeah! Lets get to work.” she replied while rapidly getting stacks of five mega blocks out of the two drawers.
    Suddenly, the lights flickered and we heard someone walking down the stairs. I knew it was my mom from the sound of her walking with heels.
    “ Time to go girls!” she was smiling a large smile but it looked kind of fake.
    Old Draft:
    Nobody else in the whole world (except my sister and friends) matter more to me than my cousin. My dolls had their hair brushed and outfits changed for the evening. I felt the urge to go upstairs and wait for her after I finished packing.
    “ YAY SHES HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I shouted as the car pulled up and stopped in a parking spot.
    My little sister’s shoes clicked as she ran down the hall with mom following. “ YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY I’M MORE EXCITED!” she boomed in that loud screaming voice of hers.
    “I have more excitement in my voice Maddie.” I said back to her.
    “ Nu uh.” she replied in that sassy tone.
    “ Uh huh.” I replied in the same tone.
    “ Jeez girls behave.” My mom shouted at us. She always yells at us whenever we just start what she calls “mouth ping pong”.


    ReplyDelete
  4. 1. Paragraphing (not on this Draft)
    2. Being descriptive on the setting

    Old Draft:
    I decided to check out the underground winery, I went inside down the steps to see a glass table and holes on the wall with wine bottles inside them. I also saw two very small rooms the size of a bathroom. The first one had different kinds of chocolate balls. The second room had different kinds of meat like salami, and ham. I secretly took a cappuccino chocolate ball and it was so delicious that I took three more and stuffed them in my mouth!

    New Draft:
    I decided to check out the underground winery, there was a curved shaped glass door we went inside, down the white smooth steps to see a glass table and rocks as a floor, and there were holes on the wall with wine bottles inside them. I also saw two very small rooms the size of a bathroom. The first one had about 20 different kinds of chocolate balls including Chili, butter scotch, All the different berries (strawberry, blueberry, raspberry, etc.), cappuccino, orange, apple, lavender, and much much more! The second room had different kinds of meat like purshoto, salami, ham, and once again much much more. I secretly took a cappuccino chocolate ball and it was so delicious that I took three more and stuffed them in my mouth!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Goals:
    1. Improve My vocabulary/ discription
    2. Add more of the other charecter

    Old Draft:
    “Come on you can do it,” i said to myself as i pedaled up the hill. The sounds of the pedals, chain, wheels and the wind were going through my ears. i wanted to go faster and show i can do it. Then I pedaled medium speed up the hill. After that I pedaled up the hill with power then I got to the top of the hill and i was proud of myself my heart was beating i was out of breath and sweating.

    New Draft:
    “Come on you can do it,” i said to myself as i pedaled up the hill. The sounds of the ringing chains of the wheels and the gusting sound of the wind were going through my ears. I wanted to go extremly faster and show i can do it. Then I pedaled mildly fast speed up the hill. After that I pedaled up the hill with power then I got to the mighty top of the hill and i was extremly proud of myself my heart was beating so fast out of my chest. I was out of breath and dripping sweat. Ruby was cheering for me and waiting at the top of hill. She gave me a high five and said i did a good job.

    ReplyDelete
  6. 1. paragraphing
    2. no run on scentences

    Old draft

    Gardenias.
    The place was named after the owners daughter, Gardenia. She has a little brother his name is Jesus. Jesus was so cute one time he came waddling to my family's table since we know the family very well we picked him up and held him up. My mom gave him a little kiss on his tiny smooth forehead and put him back down. Jesus ran around the eating area giggling and smiling like he got his first kiss. When he finally ran inside he peeked his head out behind the door and gave my mom a happy baby face. Then Gardenia came dancing around and I told her she was a good dancer she said thank you. Maybe the actual place does not mean a lot to me but the people there are special.

    New draft

    Gardenias.
    The place was named after The owners daughter, Gardenia. Gardenia is six and she loves to dance. When she was little she would walk around and eat food of peoples plates. Gardenia has a little brother Jesus he is 2 years old. Jesus loves to play he always brings toys over to tables with kids. Gardenia and Jesus both love to entertain people. Gardenia has dark brown hair and brown eyes and Jesus also has brown eyes but his hair is a little lighter brown.
    One time Jesus came running over to our table and was trying to climb on my moms lap. She picked him up and gave him a kiss on his soft, tiny forehead and put him back down. He ran around the white tables doing a baby giggle. When he finally went back inside he opened the screen door a crack and peeked his head out he gave my mom a happy baby face like he got his first kiss.
    Then gardenia came dancing in between the tables like she was in a ballet show. Her hair flowed through the wind. Her dancing was great i told her that it was amazing. She said gracias while smiling though she seemed to be absent minded
    The building does not mean a lot to me but the food and the people do



    ReplyDelete
  7. goals: to make this more interesting to the reader
    about: my kit and how excited i was to get it
    old:
    I immediately rushed to my room opened up my survival kit with my pocket knife put my exploring pants on and went out the door

    New:
    I immediately rushed to my room, there I sat on my bed opened up my kit, piece by piece. It was so cool. The matches are so beefy, they even stay lit under mud. I watched a You Tube video about them, this is why I chose this brand. Next I opened my mini survival pack, it had in it an 50 x 80 emergency blanket, a fire starter, fishing supplies, string, a compass, safety pins, and duct tape. This with my new folding shovel, and mini campout cooker, I was ready for any adventure.

    ReplyDelete
  8. GOALS:
    1. Add more vocabulary words.
    2. Communicate my thoughts in italic. (not in this draft)

    What is my section about?
    This section is about everybody cheering really loud for the final round of the costume contest.

    Old Draft:
    As soon as the grade winners were out in the middle of the gym, the 8th grader who announced the grade winner told all of us in a booming voice that the cheering was about to begin. I went first. The whole 4th grade exploded with screaming. Amy was shaking her pompoms furiously in the air, screaming at the top of her lungs. I was surprised that some people from the other grades were screaming too. Most likely the kids that were cheering for me got one of the popcorn bags. My hands shot up in the air like I was one of those punk rockstars when the crowd screamed maniacally at him. I screamed wildly and spinned around in circle, which probably made me look weird, but I didn’t really care what other people thought. When it was the 5th grader’s turn, the whole 4th grade sealed their lips except the people who were good friends with the 5th grade winner. The other winners didn’t get that many people that screamed as much as I did because some people from the other grades were cheering for me too.

    New Draft:
    As soon as the grade winners were out in the middle of the gym, the 8th grader who announced the grade winner told all of us in a booming voice that the cheering was about to begin. I went first. The whole 4th grade exploded with screaming. Amy was shaking her pompoms furiously in the air, screaming at the top of her lungs. I kept thinking I can do this, I can win this! I was surprised that some people from the other grades were screaming too. Most likely the kids that were cheering for me got one of the popcorn bags. My hands shot up in the air like I was one of those punk rockstars when the crowd screamed maniacally at him. I screamed wildly and spinned around in circle, which probably made me look weird, but I didn’t really care what other people thought. When it was the 5th grader’s turn, the whole 4th grade sealed their lips except the people who were good friends with the 5th grade winner. My emotions transferred from excited to really excited! The other winners didn’t get that many people that screamed as much as I did because some people from the other grades were cheering for me too.

    ReplyDelete
  9. 1. Paragraphing
    2. Be more descriptive with my background

    What's it about?
    This is the part of my story when the problems start. Me, daddy and Mia come face to face with the 6 foot drop! and we start to problem solve.

    Old Draft:
    We made our way up the little hill, we started hearing skiers and snowboarders yelling as if there was a problem. As we got closer I started having butterflies Whizzing around and around in my tummy. I felt like my tummy was a amusement park for butterflies. I always HATED that feeling. I stopped and let daddy be the line leader for a little but and I whispered to Mia”I have bad feeling about this, but don’t tell daddy!” We don’t want to get on his bad side!.

    New draft
    We made our way up the little hill, we started hearing skiers and snowboarders yelling as if there was a problem. As we got closer I came face to face with walls and walls of twigs and large tree branches covered with snow. I started having butterflies Whizzing around and around in my tummy. I always HATED that feeling. I stopped for a second because I felt weird. A huge wave of snow attacked my face because of my big stop. Then I went over to Mia and whispered ”I have bad feeling about this, but don’t tell daddy!” We don’t want to get on his bad side! Then all of a sudden Mia started laughing. She told me that my cold breath was making her laugh because when we talked, a puff of cold air would fly out and make her ears feel“weird”

    ReplyDelete
  10. Goals:
    1. I want to describe people around me in my story better
    2. I want to make sure that I am using adjectives in my story
    Old Draft:
    We were on our way to school. It was the last day of summer and I couldn’t wait to see who was in my class! After jumping for a very long time on the trampoline, I went inside and got on the computer. My hands frantically scrolled and clicked a lot on the computer. The teacher thing wasn’t really a big deal, because my first grade teacher asked me if I wanted to be in her second grade class and I said yes. My answer was yes because I did like her as a teacher. When I saw the people in my class, I celebrated with joy. I found out that I had Jake in my class!!! Jake hasn’t been in my class since preschool when we became friends, so this was a very happy moment for me.
    New Draft:
    We were on our way to school and I couldn't wait! It was the very last day of summer and it was definitely a good break from school. My head was bobbing up and down like a bobble head, and I thought it was time to have a break from the trampoline. My cheeks were bright red, so I needed something to drink. Once I got inside, I immediately went over to the fridge and got some lemonade. I took a real large sip, and was pretty satisfied. Then I got the computer, and went onto the Portola Valley school District website. I was eager to see who my classmates were. The teacher thing wasn't really a big deal, because my first grade teacher, (mrs. Grech) asked me if I wanted to be in her second grade class because she moved up to second grade. I said yes, because I did like her as a teacher. I got the class list, and I was so excited!!!!! I found out that I had Jake in my class! Jake hasn't been in the same class with me since pre school. I was jumping up with joy, and it was a very happy moment for me. Once my mom came into the room, she was pretty weirded out.
    This section is about me finding out that Jake is in my class, and showing the excitement which shows we are very good friends.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Goals
    #1 to use shorter sentences
    #2 To use shorter paragraphs

    Draft#1
    Before I got to sleep I was lying on bed thinking about the turtles that we helped. After a while I fell asleep so no wonder I had a dream that was a half nightmare. The dream was that I was a baby turtle in a worse case scenario with nobody to help me and my many siblings to get to the ocean. Animals such as foxes and birds picked of a lot of them. When I woke up I had a new respect for turtles and was glad that we helped them get to the ocean.

    Draft#2
    I was lying on my bed thinking about the turtles that we had helped when I fell asleep. I had a dream/half nightmare that I was a turtle (no wonder). But unlike the turtles we had helped there was no help whatsoever. It was incredibly scary because I saw firsthand my siblings being devoured by giant red foxes and huge white birds. When I awoke I had a new respect for turtles and hoped that everyone would help animals like we did.

    My story is about helping helpless animal and is about family

    ReplyDelete
  12. Goals
    1. be better at spelling
    2. work on dialogue and punctuation

    old draft
    draft #7
    we were on our way to the cafe to get lunch when we saw my grandpa we did not know he was here so we said are you here with anybody else we said ya your uncle and your cousin they were having a bad day so i tried to be nice but my cousin always teases me so i had to. I sorta said he was a baby because he was crying i did not mean it but we joke. But my mom always gets mad at me i always have to say i'm sorry and it is embarrassing. he grinned at me and made a sad face at my mom and my mom says see look he is sad AHH! yell he is not he just smiled. She said you are going to make him feel bad. I moped for the whole way back to our room i did not want to lose this fight. My mom said stop moping you will have to stay in the room why we go get ice cream in the cafe. I said fine let's go.

    new draft
    as i went to get my ice cream i got vanilla and cookie dough ice cream
    it was soo good. I was so happy i could take a break and my cousin and me switched the subject of me teasing him.After that we just walked around and looked at the map of were we are going went to shops. I said omg that is the cutest clutch ever it was a nice polka dot purse with green and pink just like my phone i can match i squealed. my mom said you no how much that is on sale 60 bucks and i said then it must be good she said we can get you and different purse i said ok she said be thankful of what you have you have a cruise you are on you are getting a purse you got ice cream and you got food at the cafe and you got to come to ice cream after you moped and groaned about being mean to your cousin.

    i think my section of the draft is being thankful of what you have







    ReplyDelete
  13. I still think I have to work more on my description
    I also still think I have to work less on my dialogue

    Old Draft
    We were on our way to my cousins house. And when we got there I asked my cousin Brianna “Whose house is that across the street?” Then she said “thats your cousins house”
    So I was walking in until i heard a raspy voice that sounded like “Hello” Hello” Hello” so I just kept walking but when I saw the house it looked very blue like a light blue sky. So I just kept walking in the house and then I quickly turned to my left and there was a parrot!!
    New Draft
    Next time we go there I would like to stay for a whole month. I would lie to go back to the park where they have concerts and go back to my cousins house to hold their parrot again and most of all I would like to spend more time with my cousins.

    ReplyDelete
  14. OLD DRAFT
    How does one describe, the feeling you get when your brain wants to do something, and your heart doesn't? That is the feeling I received when I started the great battle, in the seventh, and final harry potter book. this is probably one of the most important parts of the book because this,(spoiler alert) is where the downfall of lord voldemort occurs, and in four words, THE WHOLE SERIES ENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Thinking about this made my mind focus on another time where I felt similar nerves… I was looking through my bookshelves, for a new book.

    My goals are:
    1. I think I will work more on talking about why harry potters important to me
    2. I will also work on how I felt when I finished.
    3. I will change the 1st line of the 2nd paragraph
    4. I will work on staying 100.99% on topic
    5. I will focus on the quality of the story not the quantity

    NEW DRAFT
    How does one describe, the feeling you get when your brain wants to do something, and your heart doesn't?
    Thinking about this made my mind focus on another time where I felt similar nerves… I was looking through my bookshelves, for a new book. The only book that I hadn't read was Harry Potter and the sorcerers stone the first book. I opened that book with no idea that in a few minutes, my life would change greatly, just because I had opened that one special book...

    ReplyDelete