Monday, September 29, 2014

Elaborating...

ELABORATING ON IMPORTANT PARTS: YOU'RE THE DRIVER



Tonight you'll have the opportunity to elaborate on a specific section.

Directions:

  1. Find an important section of your personal narrative so you can focus on that for elaboration. 
  2. Ask yourself, "What is this section really about?"
  3. Write 1-2 goals.  Make sure we see your goals on the Blogger response.
  4. Take the part you selected and make the "driver", you, go slower. Make the reader notice all the details. Include what you saw--all of those visual details. Don't forget about using your powerful senses. 
  5. Include WHAT'S MY SECTION ABOUT?
  6. Show new draft along with the old draft

STRATEGIES FOR ELABORATING ON IMPORTANT PARTS

  • Slow down the action, telling it bit-by-bit
  • Add dialogue
  • Give details
  • Show small actions
  • Add internal thinking

Example Response:
Goals:
1. Add more internal dialogue by using italics
2. Add more detail to the main character including clothing

What's my section about?
text, text, text, text


Old Draft: 
my text, my text, my text

New Draft: 
my text, my text, my text

15 comments:

  1. Goals:
    1. Describe other people's clothing and setting more.
    2. Explain what I'm thinking while I'm marching in the parade.

    What is my section about?
    My section is about me marching around the gym and throwing the bags of popcorn at the crowd.

    Old Draft:
    The music started and we started walking. I grabbed the first bag of popcorn. I felt bad that the 4th graders, who were marching right now because they wouldn’t get any of the popcorn I was passing out. The 5th graders didn’t know the popcorn was coming, so when I threw it, everybody was trying to grab the bag. But, since there was so many people, I couldn’t see who caught the bag. I did see people have sad looks on their faces, which told me they didn’t get one of the bags. The 6th graders saw the bags of popcorn go flying in the air to the crowd, then noticed, it was their turn. All of the 6th graders were trying to convince me to throw a bag at them. I swear I didn’t throw the bags at certain people, I just threw them randomly.

    New Draft:
    The song "The Monster Mash" started playing and I started walking. I grabbed the first bag of popcorn and scanned the mob of 5th graders watching us, mindlessly waiting for their turn to march. I threw one of the bags to a group of boys who were chatting to each other. When I threw the bag, I think it hit one of the boys who didn't react to fast to grab it. The 6th graders stared at the 5th graders in awe and watched me come around the corner, eager to get one of the bags of the buttery popcorn. All of the 6th graders were looking at me all like. "Gimme, gimme!" I swear I didn't throw them at just the people I thought were my friends, but just randomly.

    ReplyDelete
  2. my goals are to put in more of the setting and to pull my readers more into my story.

    my section is about the second time i went into the woodlands.

    old draft:
    this all began when i got home.I immediately went to my room and and grabbed my survival kit put on my exploring pants and went out the door.

    new draft:
    this all began when i got home from sports athroaty.I immediately went to my room and and grabbed my survival kit put on my exploring pants and went out the door.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Goals:
    1. I want to add more thoughts when I see Jake at the playground.
    2. I want to show more emotion when we meet at school.
    My section is about meeting Jake, and both of us celebrating that we are in the same class.
    Old Draft: The next day, (the first day of school) my mom dropped me off on georgia lane. As soon as I got on that trail, I ran. I could hear nothing but my heart beat, and the wind all around me. My face was getting super cold because the wind kept pushing on my face. As soon as I saw the school I thought to myself “Man, it’s good to be back”. But there was no time to waste to see Jake. It was like I was racing for 100,000 dollars, because I was running as fast as I could. It was like Jake was hiding because I couldn’t find him anywhere, and I knew he got there early. Finally, I looked out on the blacktop, and there he was. As soon as I saw him, I ran out to him and talked like there was no tomorrow. “How was your summer?” I asked. “It was very fun, and I wish it could be longer” he said. I also wanted summer to be longer but I was very excited about meeting Jake and having him in my class.
    New Draft:
    The next day my mom dropped me off on Georgia lane and my legs were very bouncy. As soon as I got out of that car, I zoomed down the trail. I could hear nothing but my heart beat, and the roaring wind. The wind was pounding against my face, so my face got quiet cold. As soon as I saw the school I thought to myself "Man, it's so great to start another learning year, of school". But there was no time to waste to see Jake, so I started running again. I ran through all the classrooms, like it was a maze. I looked every where but I couldn't find Jake and I know he got there early. Finally, I saw jake out on the blacktop, and he had a smile as big as a whale. We both ran up to each other and started blabbing about our summers. "So, how was your summer?" I asked. "It was really fun, but I wish it could be longer". I totally agreed with Jake about summer being longer, but it's still great because I get to see all my friends including him.


    ReplyDelete
  4. 1 I think I should focus more on the beginning paragraph for diolouge
    2 The section I pulled out stands out to me with the Nobody can measure my excitement with a machine because it sounds just like a famous quote somebody wrote.
    3
    a. I should work on adding more diolouge throughout the story
    b. I need to work on adding more details and slowing the story down.
    4
    The day turning closer to night as I walked to my desk to put down my backpack. Nobody can use any machine to tell how excited I was. I started to walk downstairs to get my things for tonight. My cousin was coming so I had to be ready for her arrival.
    5 This section is basically about me explaining my excitement in my mind
    for my cousins arrival.


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My comment was too long so I have to post a reply

      6.
      New Draft:
      This all began the day I got home on Friday from school. Excitement was ringing closer as I stepped inside. Time to get ready for the big day ahead of me.
      What was going on today that I was so excited? Well, I am going to explain. The day of my most favorite birthday in the world. I was turning double digits so that made it more exciting. It was the day I would get to go with my cousin to the American Girl store. I’ve never done this before because it’s the first time that the store opens! Some people may think the opening was on a Sunday, it actually was on Friday. There was an opening on Sunday and Monday but that was for public. The one today was more private and “fancy”.
      The day turning closer to night as I walked to my desk to put down my backpack. Nobody can use any machine to tell how excited I was. I started to walk downstairs to get my things for tonight. My cousin was coming so I had to be ready for her arrival.
      Nobody else in the whole world (except my sister and friends) matter more to me than my cousin. My dolls had their hair brushed and outfits changed for the evening. I felt the urge to go upstairs and wait for her after I finished packing.
      “ YAY SHES HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I shouted as the car pulled up and stopped in a parking spot.
      My little sister’s shoes clicked as she ran down the hall with mom following. “ YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY I’M MORE EXCITED!” she boomed in that loud screaming voice of hers.
      “I have more excitement in my voice Maddie.” I said back to her.
      “ Nu uh.” she replied in that sassy tone.
      “ Uh huh.” I replied in the same tone.
      “ Jeez girls behave.” My mom shouted at us. She always yells at us when
      Old Draft:
      We got downstairs immediately. I was pulling two sort of heavy drawers out of the base of the table. Just to my left if I was facing the large movie screen, was the brown, leather sofa that we used as a base. Of course we did not manage to finish the mountain.
      As I jumped into the car, I gazed off to Alina’s dad’s car with her inside it. I thought a small feeling of excitement inside me. I couldn’t tell at the moment whether it was happy, cheerful, or excitement. I knew that the upcoming day would be awesome.
      The arrival. That was one thing on my mind. “ Is it going to be that crowded?” I thought to myself as the car drove slowly through the roads.

      Draft #6
      It turns out I was right after all. I looked up from the floor as we entered the parking lot. There were about one hundred people at the benefit tonight. I knew it was going to have some sort of problem.
      Every time Alina and I get together, there always is a problem that happens to me. It’s like I’m unlucky or something. I am lucky but when my cousin comes over it always happens to me. One time, at her house I slipped on mud and almost hurt my bottom. It did get very wet and it kind of hurt but I changed just when we got inside. Another time, I accidentally chipped my toe nail on the staircase. It wasn’t very bad, but it didn’t bleed.
      I gazed up into the boundless sky. I wondered, “ What will the store look like on the inside? Will it be fun like the store in LA?” These questions bounced in my mind like a hamster on a wheel. Or like a ball inside a cramped space.
      Suddenly, I realized the car was parked and I had to get out. I took out the small bag (it was actually a medium size) and hurried to follow my mom.
      “ Oh my god. That line is massive!” I said, more like repeating a quote from a youtube video “ That is a massive cruise ship!” I thought as I walked into the line after my parents. Alina caught up just about five minutes later.
      “ What took you so long?” I asked in a happy tone to hide my nerves.
      “ There weren’t any spaces in the lot left from people here.” She replied.
      About ten minutes later, we were just in the middle of the line. That was when they just cut the ribbon. I wondered why everyone was cheering until I saw the ribbon.

      Delete
  5. Goals
    1. To describe people and things more and better
    2. Explain my thoughts and emotions better

    Draft #1
    When i got to sleep all i could think about was the turtles so no wonder i had a dream that i was a turtle and there was no one to help me get to the ocean it was very scary watching all of the animals like foxes and birds pick of my siblings so when i woke up i was glad i helped the turtles get to the ocean.

    Draft#2
    Before I got to sleep I was lying on bed thinking about the turtles that we helped. After a while I fell asleep so no wonder I had a dream that was a half nightmare. The dream was that I was a baby turtle in a worse case scenario with nobody to help me and my many siblings to get to the ocean. Animals such as foxes and birds picked of a lot of them. When I woke up I had a new respect for turtles and was glad that we helped them get to the ocean.

    ReplyDelete
  6. 1.To explain my feelings more
    2.To describe more

    draft 1
    My dad the coach of my baseball team and I the player on the team were on are way to the very first baseball day of this year.When I arrive I see my teammates from yesterday's practice in the batting cage. Just Dylan, Jake and Joe the assistant coach

    draft 2
    Driving to baseball with my dad the coach and I the player. My hart was pounding with fright on the first day of 2014 season. When we arrived I couldn't wait to see my team. But when I looked in the cage there was only
    Jake, Dylan and the assistant coach Joe Keller.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sorry about the huge space between only and Jake

      Delete
  7. Goals
    1# To express more about my feelings.
    2#To explain the things around me with detail.

    What is this section about?
    This section is about me, my dad and my little sister in Japan, going up the chair lift and the things we did and saw.

    Old draft
    We were on our way up the chair lift when we heard “Please lift your ski’s off the snow and hold onto the handlebars, THANK YOU” coming out of a speaker hidden in one of the ski poles. As my dad, little sister and I went up the ski lift.That same sentence went over and over again, until all we could hear was a little faint voice in the distance. As we went higher, the snow got stronger & stronger.The whole way up the ride we were absolutely SILENT. Which might be normal for YOUR family but for our’s it was highly impossible.

    New draft
    We were on our way up the chair lift when we heard “Please lift your ski’s off the snow and hold onto the handlebars, THANK YOU” coming out of a speaker hidden in one of the ski poles. As my dad, little sister and I went up the ski lift. That same sentence went over and over again, until all we could hear was a little faint voice in the distance. I kept looking down at my skis, thinking they were going to fall off because they felt so loss. As we went higher, the snow got stronger & stronger. My gloves kept coming off and on again because my hands were sweaty in the gloves but when I took them off my hands became a huge icicle. The view I saw from the chair lift was so cool. I could see all the skiers and snowboarders doing cool tricks going down the mountain. The whole way up the ride we were absolutely SILENT. Which might be normal for YOUR family but for our’s it was highly impossible.

    ReplyDelete
  8. 1.I want to explain my thoughts more
    2. I want to do a better at adding more adjectives.


    Old draft
    Gardenias that place was named after the owners daughter gardenia she is 6 years old and has a little brother jesus( pronounced hesus in spanish) . I thought that little jesus would be able to talk to people in the restaurant and play with thee gardenia but that will never happen.


    New draft
    Gardenias is a little orange cafe across the street from my families house. The place was named after the owners daughter gardenia. She is 6 and has a little brother jesus he is only 1. My family and i know the owners family very well so one time jesus was walking around the cafe and tried to crawl onto our laps.My mom picked him up and gave him a little kiss on his forehead and put him back down. He ran back to the door laughing. He closed it and then peeked behind the door again giggling and giving my mom a cute baby smile stare. He is just like gardenia. That family means a lot to me and now that there home is gone it is sad for me and my family.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Goals=
    1. Elaborate so it feels like the reader can picture how sad I was.
    2. Make it longer so things go by slower.
    What is the Section About=
    It is the main grieving point of my story. it is were tension builds up to it's maximum level.
    Old Draft=
    It was then I knew that it was all gone. Every bird singing, every frog leaping, and I just let it happen. I just sat there and watched a whole ecosystem collapse right under my nose. Could I have done anything, I wouldn't know. All of the emotions flowing through my brain were too busy for anything as silly as that. (Not that that isn't usually the case.)
    I jumped in the dry patch of ground, trying to find some water left. There was none. I closed my eyes and remembered every single living creature there. They were so dependent on the water, but now it was all gone. Every little sign of life vanished in thin air. Tears started welling up in my eyes, my usual smile turned into a look so full of sadness and torment no one could bear. I know it might sound like I'm a little drama queen living in a small town full of zillionaires (which isn't half lying), but I really meant it. All of the forts I could of built, all of the fun days I could of spent down there, it was all gone.
    New Draft=
    It was then when I knew that it was all gone. Every bird singing, every frog leaping, and I just let it happen. I just sat there and watched a whole ecosystem collapse right under my nose. Could I have done anything, I wouldn't know. All of the emotions flowing through my brain were too busy for anything as silly as that. (Not that that isn't usually the case.)
    I jumped in the dry patch of ground, trying to find some water left. There was none. I closed my eyes and remembered every single living creature there. Every heron, every cricket, every mountain lion, they were so dependent on the water, but now it was all gone. It was like as if every little sign of life vanished in thin air, evaporating into lifeless mist that would end up in the atmosphere constantly traveling to different places as a small speck of vapor. If that had happened to your friends, your family, how would you feel? Tears started welling up in my eyes, my usual smile turned into a look so full of sadness and torment no one could bear. I know it might sound like I'm a little drama queen living in a small town full of zillionaires (which isn't half lying), but I really meant it. All of the forts I could of built, all of the fun days I could of spent down there, it was all gone.
    Again, who cares? There is poverty, global warming, but who cares about someone's silly neighborhood creek? The leaves there were bound to dry into shriveled pieces of lifeless compost, but why then? It should have happened when the Sun engulfed the Earth in an inescapable fiery furnace. It should have happened if an earthquake caused rocks to pour in like the small waterfalls that used to lie there. So why shouldn’t I care?

    ReplyDelete
  10. goals
    more capital letters
    more details
    capture the excitement
    write about my feelings

    old draft
    The day i got home Me and my nanny went on a bike ride up a small hill before when I pedaled up the hill slowly then I pedaled medium speed up the hill after that i pedaled up the hill with speed then I got to the top of the hill and i was proud of myself then my nanny was super happy then i told my dad he was impressed then i got a nice drink of cold water and I relaxed after that I took a hot shower.

    new draft
    Last year one day I got home my nanny and I went on a bike ride up a small hill for the first time. At first when I pedaled up the hill I went slowly. “Come on you can do it,” i said to myself as i pedaled up the hill. The sounds of the pedals, chain, wheels and the wind were going through my ears. i wanted to go faster and show i can do it. Then I pedaled medium speed up the hill. After that I pedaled up the hill with power then I got to the top of the hill and i was proud of myself my heart was beating i was out of breath and sweating. My nanny was super happy. Then i told my dad and he was impressed. Then i got a nice drink of cold water and after that I took a lovely hot shower. And i was really tired but really happy with myself! Next time that hill will be easier.

    ReplyDelete
  11. #1 I think I should work more on my description
    #2 I think I should work less on my dialog
    OLD DRAFT
    We were on our way to my cousins house and when we got there I saw some people and asked my cousin Brianna “who are they?” then she said”your cousins.” so I walked up to one of them and said “hi” then she said “Hi”. And thats how I met my cousin Cassandra and her parrot. So when I said “Can I play the Wii?” she said “yeah sure” so we played and played until I saw my little brother Eric. I introduced Eric to my cousin and inside the house turned to my left and saw a parrot said “ this is my brother Eric” “Eric this is our cousin Cassandra

    NEW DRAFT
    But when I was saying hi I heard a raspy voice and when I was walking inside of the house I turned to my left and right there I saw a parrot and it was colorful it was a green,red,yellow and white parrot then it said "skwaaak hi how are you doing?" Then I said " hi good thanks" then I saw my cousin Cassandra and said "your parrot really talks"then she said"yeah" then I said "cool".

    ReplyDelete
  12. Writing goals
    1. I think I will work more on talking about why harry potters important to me
    2. I will also work on how I felt when I finished.
    3. I will change the 1st line of the 2nd paragraph
    4. I will work on staying 100.99% on topic
    5. I will focus on the quality of the story not the quantity

    OLD DRAFT
    That is the feeling I received when I started the great battle, in the seventh, and final harry potter book. This is probably one of the most important parts of the book because this,(spoiler alert) is where the downfall of lord Voldemort occurs, and in four words THE WHOLE SERIES ENDS!!!!!!!

    NEW DRAFT
    I received this feeling while I read one of the last and most important chapters of the whole series. It was the great battle, (spoiler alert)and also the downfall of Lord Voldemort, and in four words, THE END OF THE SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. stradiges
    need to capitalit more
    work faster
    consterga

    my store is adout a person that matters helpful care about things we do how we speed time togther we work together have we really like going to places shop togther

    ReplyDelete